What If Punk Never Happened?

A friend of mine informed me recently that there is a name for what I now know that I suffer from: Athazagoraphobia. It is the fear of being forgotten. It is a real fear of mine. Probably the only real fear I have. Well, I also have Catapedaphobia, but that's beside the point. I suspected for the longest time that I have a fear of rejection. But that is not true. No one likes rejection, but I don't fear being rejected. If I'm not cast in a show, it doesn't devastate me, as long as my audition was remembered. I realized that this fear of mine has been the driving force in my life for a very long time. Perhaps the reason I try to stay so busy, overfilling my plate many times. In some mad hope, perhaps, that it'll help me be remembered.

And it makes me wonder why. What is so terrible about being forgotten? And I think the answer is that it makes me feel insignificant. It makes me feel as if my life experiences and the things I thought were important and worth my energy and passion at the time are insignificant. I will never do anything that will be recorded in history books. I'm not going to discover the cure for some awful disease. I am not going to be some kind of counselor or motivational speaker who changes people's lives. I'm probably not going to be anyone famous. And that's ok. I think I am fine with who I am. And I'm not unsatisfied with my life. It's full, and I have much to be grateful for and am. It's just when the curtain closes, I am scared to death that no one will remember. Especially the ones who have been significant to me. Of course my family will remember, but I mean more than family. Friends. Teachers. Mentors. Just people in general.

Lately this fear has been overwhelming. I've jokingly called it a midlife crisis, but I think there was more truth than joke in that. I feel the  need to constantly grow. Constantly create. Constantly search for more. Constantly connect and make an impression. Leave a legacy. Feel needed or important. Make something unforgetable, whether it's art or brownies or memories.

I don't forget. I remember everything. I remember details. Conversations. I guess people only remember the important things in life. But that tells me that everything is important to me. Even the stupid stuff. So if the stupid stuff is important, then the significant stuff is mindblowing. Stakes are very high.

I don't know the answer. I don't know how to not have panic attacks because of this silly fear. A fear that I'm sure seems ridiculous to many people. But a fear that I promise is real. The weight I feel on my chest this very second as I type this and my racing heart are real. Just thinking about all this is causing that kind of reaction.

It's just impossible for me to stop trying to DO, to create, to learn, to feel, to search, to be more. If it's an attempt to be remembered, then that's what it is. But couldn't it also be an attempt by me to remember? To value and feel valued?

I listened to a song this morning. It was The King Blues' "What If Punk Never Happened?" Life would be different. That's silly to say, but it's true. If punk rock had never happened, things would not be like they are. Maybe. :) Regardless, it made me think of my fear. I just want to matter. I want the question "What If Jessica Never Happened?" to be a very sad thought to a lot of people. I want to move people in a postive way. I want to be myself... the person God created... and to be loved just like I am. I want answers to my "What If" question to be things like "then I wouldn't have laughed so hard that day," or "I wouldn't have tasted that champagne cupcake or crack brownie she invented," or "I wouldn't have been sung 'P.S. I Love You' every night" (that would be my son's thought), or "I wouldn't have been moved in such a way," or "I wouldn't have learned that."

My favorite part of the song I heard today goes like this:

"Just let your dreams be your pilot, your imagination your fuel, Tear up the book and write your own damn rules, Use all that heart, hope and soul that you've got, and the love and the rage that you feel in your gut, And realise that the other world that you're always looking for, Lies right here in front of us, just outside this door, and it's up to you to go out there and paint the canvas, After all, you were put on the earth to do this, So shine your light so bright that all can see, Take pride in being whoever the fuck you want to be."

The older I get, the more okay I get with who I am. But I don't quit searching. And I think that's okay. It's not a bad thing to keep painting your canvas. And the more "canvases you paint," the more likely you are to be remembered. There are those moments in life you try to remember (births of children, Christmases, etc.) and then there are those moments some try to forget. There's value in every moment. And I pray that I make positive unforgettable impressions in the lives of people, especially the people I love so dearly. Maybe that's narcissistic. But it's the truth.

I'm reminded of "Think of Me" from Phantom of the Opera. I'll spare quoting more lyrics but that's how I feel. People forget. Some even WORK to forget. I suggest we work to remember. To shine bright and make impacts. To remember all the things that make us who we are. To paint canvases. To value people and memories. To be okay with the person you are. And to create new memories that are impossible to forget.



Trick Your Brain?



My mother has a Ph.D. in counseling. She is published, counsels people and teaches at a university. Who would think that she could tell me three little words that may or may not change my life? We're all screwed up, right? We all have issues. Many of us actually pay a licensed counselor to help us through tough times. Years and years of counseling some people think they need. But three words... Three words could possibly eliminate the need for counseling for all mankind?

TRICK. YOUR. BRAIN. That's what she told me the other day. And she didn't sit me down and look me in the eye and get all serious on me. I think she was actually getting up for her chair and sort of threw those words as me with a little nonchalant headshake. "Ehh.. Trick your brain." No big deal. Just trick your brain.

So now let's apply this. I have chronic migraines. I have no idea what causes them. But let's say I just trick my brain into thinking I don't have them. *Head is killing me* "Oh, no sir, my head doesn't hurt!" and just go about your business? Eventually, will your head just give up trying to kill you? Kind of ignore it and it will go away? Now, I don't think she was talking about physical ailments, but guess who is trying this new "trick your brain" technique regarding headaches right this minute? I'll let you know how that goes. I actually think that example blows.

Let's try this... Think about it... Any sort of happiness/sadness/worry/stress issue that you have could really benefit from this technique. Let's say you are sad you didn't get the job you wanted. What if you told your brain that you didn't want that job to begin with? You say it over and over every day until your poor confused brain catches on. I mean really... Who cares you are a friggin liar? If it helps you wake up every morning with a smile on your face, then lie away, right? Live your life in a deceitful way? Ok, now that I think about this example, I think it blows too. I mean, where does your heart come in to this equation? Isn't it your heart that wanted the job? I can buy into tricking your brain, but not your heart. MAYBE after a while, if your brain really starting believing that you didn't want the job, then PERHAPS your heart would go along for a while. Until you saw the person that got the job instead of you... or you read something that reminded you of the job... Or what if the job was... say... a lifeguard? Every time you saw water or the sun or a bathing suit you would mourn the loss of the job all over again. Your heart won't forget how much it wanted that job and will tell your brain.

Ok. I'm trying one more example before I just give up on this theory completely. And I think this one may work. What if someone dear to you was no longer here? Let's say they died or went away forever. You could trick your brain into thinking you just talked to them. Or just saw them. Have you ever had a dream about someone no longer living and you wake up and it really feels as if you just saw that person? I've always taken those dreams as a gift from God. I love them. Because you DO feel as if you just saw them. Not only did you see them, but often you talk to them and touch them. So if that works, then perhaps it works to trick your brain into thinking you see and talk to people all the time, even though you don't. You would never miss anyone ever again. This example I like. You are not lying to your brain. Or your heart. You are just remembering. You can close your eyes and remember what it felt like to hug your grandfather. And the way he smelled. And just PRETEND that you did actually hug him. This is the sort of brain tricking I can live with.

There is quite a difference between lying to your brain and saying, "I don't care that he died. I don't miss him" and just PRETENDING you just saw him. You do the former and then see a picture of your grandfather and what does your heart do? It breaks. And to hell with all the lying you've been doing to your brain. Because heart rules, people. You will break down in an emotional fit because you miss him. And then you decide to start the whole deceptive cycle all over again. But do the latter and what happens? You see a picture of him and your heart and brain collectively smile. Because it seems as if you just hugged him. And can still smell that smell of peppermint and tobacco, right? And you close your eyes and hug him again in your mind. So if this is what my mom meant by "trick your brain," I'm on board. I don't think it IS what she meant. But I still benefit from her words. Because I really really like this last example. And I will use it for sure in the future. I guess it is a form of lying to your brain. But it's a lie that won't backfire.

This kind of brain tricking is like getting one of those awesome God gifts in the form of a dream. But you are giving it to yourself.