And it makes me wonder why. What is so terrible about being forgotten? And I think the answer is that it makes me feel insignificant. It makes me feel as if my life experiences and the things I thought were important and worth my energy and passion at the time are insignificant. I will never do anything that will be recorded in history books. I'm not going to discover the cure for some awful disease. I am not going to be some kind of counselor or motivational speaker who changes people's lives. I'm probably not going to be anyone famous. And that's ok. I think I am fine with who I am. And I'm not unsatisfied with my life. It's full, and I have much to be grateful for and am. It's just when the curtain closes, I am scared to death that no one will remember. Especially the ones who have been significant to me. Of course my family will remember, but I mean more than family. Friends. Teachers. Mentors. Just people in general.
Lately this fear has been overwhelming. I've jokingly called it a midlife crisis, but I think there was more truth than joke in that. I feel the need to constantly grow. Constantly create. Constantly search for more. Constantly connect and make an impression. Leave a legacy. Feel needed or important. Make something unforgetable, whether it's art or brownies or memories.
I don't forget. I remember everything. I remember details. Conversations. I guess people only remember the important things in life. But that tells me that everything is important to me. Even the stupid stuff. So if the stupid stuff is important, then the significant stuff is mindblowing. Stakes are very high.
I don't know the answer. I don't know how to not have panic attacks because of this silly fear. A fear that I'm sure seems ridiculous to many people. But a fear that I promise is real. The weight I feel on my chest this very second as I type this and my racing heart are real. Just thinking about all this is causing that kind of reaction.
It's just impossible for me to stop trying to DO, to create, to learn, to feel, to search, to be more. If it's an attempt to be remembered, then that's what it is. But couldn't it also be an attempt by me to remember? To value and feel valued?
I listened to a song this morning. It was The King Blues' "What If Punk Never Happened?" Life would be different. That's silly to say, but it's true. If punk rock had never happened, things would not be like they are. Maybe. :) Regardless, it made me think of my fear. I just want to matter. I want the question "What If Jessica Never Happened?" to be a very sad thought to a lot of people. I want to move people in a postive way. I want to be myself... the person God created... and to be loved just like I am. I want answers to my "What If" question to be things like "then I wouldn't have laughed so hard that day," or "I wouldn't have tasted that champagne cupcake or crack brownie she invented," or "I wouldn't have been sung 'P.S. I Love You' every night" (that would be my son's thought), or "I wouldn't have been moved in such a way," or "I wouldn't have learned that."
My favorite part of the song I heard today goes like this:
"Just let your dreams be your pilot, your imagination your fuel, Tear up the book and write your own damn rules, Use all that heart, hope and soul that you've got, and the love and the rage that you feel in your gut, And realise that the other world that you're always looking for, Lies right here in front of us, just outside this door, and it's up to you to go out there and paint the canvas, After all, you were put on the earth to do this, So shine your light so bright that all can see, Take pride in being whoever the fuck you want to be."
The older I get, the more okay I get with who I am. But I don't quit searching. And I think that's okay. It's not a bad thing to keep painting your canvas. And the more "canvases you paint," the more likely you are to be remembered. There are those moments in life you try to remember (births of children, Christmases, etc.) and then there are those moments some try to forget. There's value in every moment. And I pray that I make positive unforgettable impressions in the lives of people, especially the people I love so dearly. Maybe that's narcissistic. But it's the truth.
I'm reminded of "Think of Me" from Phantom of the Opera. I'll spare quoting more lyrics but that's how I feel. People forget. Some even WORK to forget. I suggest we work to remember. To shine bright and make impacts. To remember all the things that make us who we are. To paint canvases. To value people and memories. To be okay with the person you are. And to create new memories that are impossible to forget.
